You Need To Be Happy With Yourself Before You Can Be Happy With Someone Else

Shane Dawson Source: Wikimedia.org

A few months ago, popular YouTuber Shane Dawson (above) shared a very difficult and emotional video of himself coming out as bisexual.

Having been a big fan of Shane's videos for years, I realized this was the most honest, raw and bravest we have ever seen Shane.  This was a big step, and took serious guts.  My eyes teared up while watching and I have even more respect for Shane for doing this and letting the world see him in such a vulnerable way.

In the video, he confirmed that his nearly 4 year relationship with fellow YouTuber Lisa Schwartz was ended as a result of him wanting to figure out who he is.  He also acknowledges that he wants to be open to love, in any way, and needs to work on accepting and not being so hard on himself, stating "I don't want to hate myself anymore, and I don't want to be sad all the time...I want to just be happy...and I want to love who I love, whether that's a guy or a girl" (see full video below).

Lisa Schwartz and Shane Dawson Source: Flickr.com

A few days later, Lisa posted a video on her own channel addressing what had happened.  She says that although she is hurting, she is so happy for Shane to finally have a chance at happiness and at self-love, something which she has always known he struggled with and tried to give him, but it was just something that had to come from him.

Lisa goes on to talk about how this is also an opportunity for her to find happiness and someone who can love her fully, as she lived a lot of her life for Shane, but now "it's time for me to take care of me...you have to live for yourself and take care of yourself...that doesn't make you selfish [or] a bad person, that makes you human and that produces self-love", which she tearfully says is something she is happy both herself and Shane now have a chance at finding.

In response to people saying she's an angel and a hero for being so good and understanding to Shane during this difficult time, she says, through tears; "I'm not a hero...I'm just a girl who loved a boy who didn't love himself...so I had to let him go and I would do it again in a heartbeat...because I love you Shane and I just want the best life for you."

If I thought Shane's video was emotional... well, this video truly broke me.  Tears streamed down my face, and I felt as though I had gone through a heart break myself.  I'm not exaggerating when I say it took me a few days to get over it.

You can watch both videos below:

I have so much admiration for both Shane and Lisa for posting these videos and for what they said in them.

I've long been a fan of both - not just as YouTubers, but as I always considered them such a cute, idealistic couple (hashtag #RelationshipGoals!), so yes that is part of the reason why this upset me so much, but not the only reason.

I know it's so sad and ridiculous to have such an emotional attachment to people who are essentially strangers to me, but honestly, watching this was truly heartbreaking.  As a fan, yes, but also as it hit home something I feel very strongly about and really believe in, which they both addressed in their videos... you need to be happy with yourself before you can be happy with someone else.

Source: cosmopolitan.com via Facebook

I struggled for a long time with confidence issues until I finally realized that I had to do something about it.  This actually happened twice for me.  The first time was when I was 14/15 and painfully shy, but I was sick of feeling like it was holding me back and missing out on great opportunities.  So I adopted the 'fake it 'til you make it' confidence persona and pushed myself to join things both in and outside of school, made new friends and overall developed a go get 'em attitude.  Eventually I wasn't pretending anymore, I was confident.

At some point over the next few years however, I lost sight of this and why I decided to do it in the first place.  I let certain people break me down and slowly chip away at my confidence.  I became closed off and guarded, afraid and too shy to do/join new things and meet new people.  I was lonely (again) and for a while thought that the problem was that I couldn't 'find someone' or that I needed certain friends to define me.

But then I realized finding someone wasn't going to change how I felt about myself.  Being with someone (friends or otherwise) wasn't going to be a validation. Because if I'm relying on someone else to make me feel like I'm worth something, what happens if they go away? Feeling like I'm worth something had to come from me.

Source: Flickr.com

So I decided to do something that scared me at the time, and like I did before, fake confidence.  I challenged myself to overcome any anxiety I had developed and take myself out for coffee or lunch and even to the cinema by myself.  No phones, nothing to read, no assignments to work on, no hiding.

Yes, it was uncomfortable at first because I had nothing but my own company, but after a while I relaxed and didn't care what anyone thought, and wasn't scared to make eye contact with the people around me (something which had come to terrify me and sometimes even cause panic attacks before).  I had to learn to be happy taking myself out and being with myself, because why would anyone else want to if I didn't even want to? And you know what? It worked.

During this time I suppose you could say I was 'working on myself' and on getting to that point of self-love that Shane and Lisa refer to, but I was genuinely enjoying being single and didn't feel the need to be with someone.  Again, this is something you should feel you want, not need.

But there were a lot of people that thought 'I like being single' was just a line because they couldn't understand that you don't necessarily need someone else to make you happy, because so many people believe that this is what defines us.  And when you're working on being happy in yourself, this is a very difficult and frustrating thing to keep hearing.  So please, everyone, lay off giving the single people in your lives a hard time about it.  When the time is right, they'll choose to do something about it themselves.

Along this... I suppose you could say 'journey', I encountered certain assholes who told me I 'wasn't girlfriend material anyways' when I told them I genuinely wasn't interested in a relationship at the time (classy, right?) as well as 'bad timing guys' who were perfectly lovely guys that asked me out and that I would have definitely been interested in, but I just wasn't happy with myself yet and didn't want to start anything before I was ready.  This was one time where 'it's not you, it's me' really wasn't just an excuse!

There's nothing wrong with taking that time for yourself and saying no to someone if it just doesn't feel right at the time.  There's no point in forcing yourself into any kind of relationship just because the opportunity is there, you're worth more than that and not only do you owe it to yourself to wait until you feel ready, but it's also fair to the other person too.

I eventually got there, and when the time was right for me and I felt happy with myself, I said yes to a friend that asked me out... 2 years later and we're still together and as happy as ever, both together and apart :)

Myself and Boyfriend

I have a lot of people to thank for helping me get to where I am now, most unknowingly...

Shout out in particular to my wonderful boyfriend and best friend for loving and accepting me no matter what, exactly as I am, and for never making me feel like I have to compare to anyone else.  He gives me strength, love and support in every way, every day :)

And to a certain friend who helped in a big way, more than they know, by always making me feel like they see me how I want to be seen and like I'm the best version of myself.  I've never felt like I have to apologize for who I am with them. You know who you are :)

Source: Flickr.com

Above I mentioned how there was a point where I felt like I needed certain friends to define me, but then realized this wasn't true.  This doesn't mean that I think people don't need friends in their lives - of course we do! It's about choosing the right kind of friends.

If I could give one piece of advice, it would be to surround yourself with the people who love and accept you just as you are and who make you feel great about that.  In doing so, this will help you love and accept and be happy with yourself, which has to come before being happy with anyone else.

Source: Steve Maraboli via Facebook

I haven't been this publicly honest or personal in my writing or online since I posted my poetry on my Bebo Author page back in the day (cringe) - but I think this is a message that needs to be shared.


There seems to be a movement of self-love at the minute, with certain celebrities speaking out about encouraging it - Demi Lovato and Amy Schumer for example - so hopefully this is just the beginning.

See videos of both Amy and Demi speaking about the importance of self-love below:

 

Finally, before I end this essay of a post, I want to leave you with some quotes from the television/entertainment world that I feel are incredibly apt;

"In order for two halves to be a whole, each half must be whole themselves." - Che (aka Chris Pratt), The OC

"You can't be with someone else until you can be by yourself." - Summer, The OC (Those Newpsies were wise)

"Learn to love yourself... and then love will come to you." - Vince, Will & Grace

"Love is love. Don't be afraid to be who you are." - Shane Dawson (The caption on his above coming-out video, which inspired this whole post.  Thank you, Shane.)

And as seen and mentioned above, Amy Schumer is a prime example of an unapologetic and inspirational self-love queen - check out some of her best quotes around the topic in the gallery below courtesy of people.com.



                                                                    Photo Gallery by QuickGallery.com    Source: people.com


And finally, one last nugget of wisdom from me:

I'm a big believer in both sayings; 'what's meant for you won't pass you by' and that 'everything happens for a reason', in it's own time, exactly as it's meant to... hold onto that while trying to get to where you want to be with yourself.  Take your time doing so; there's no rush.

I'm going to be honest, it's still a bit of a work in progress for me, maybe it'll always be something I'll have to work on, but I'm getting there and have come a hell of a long way from where I began.  Have faith that you'll find the love and everything else that you deserve when the time is right.  Focus on loving yourself, exactly as you are - everything else can wait.